


Why if When

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-25
Updated: 2003-09-25
Packaged: 2019-05-15 19:12:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14796329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of theWest Wing Fanfiction Central, a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in theannouncement post.





	Why if When

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

**Why if When**

**by:** Dee 

**Category/Pairing:** Josh/Donna  
**Rating: MATURE**  
 **Disclaimer(s):** Not mine. Not really his anymore either.  
**Spoiler:** Spoilers all the way through current.  


**Notes:** Follows: "Lesson From Leo"

"So we talked and I think it was good. And ... what are you doing?" 

We'd had dinner. A really nice dinner actually. I stayed to help him prep for a meeting with a senator he wanted to put in a headlock and when we were done it was late and he asked if I was hungry and we decided to go out to eat. 

In our entire career of working together we had done that very thing approximately seven hundred and fifty times before. But this was different. This time it was ... dinner dinner. 

And when dinner dinner was done he asked me to come back to his place for a beer. He wanted to talk about a conversation he had with Leo. All very casual. Very easy. There was no reason not to say yes. 

But now I was standing outside of his apartment door with him inside and me in the hallway and I was thinking ... ohmygod. I'm about to enter a whole new universe and I didn't even realize I was on the spaceship. 

Okay that was a weird analogy for my mind to conjure. There were times when really I surprised myself. 

"Donna, you're standing in the hall." 

"Yes." 

"Why?" 

"Because this is..." I made a twisting motion with my hand . 

"What is that there? What are you doing?" he asked pointing at my hand. 

I made the motion again. "You know." 

"No I don't." 

I rolled my eyes. "I'm talking without words through a gesture." 

"I get that," he replied. 

"Okay?" 

"I just don't understand what the gesture means. Are you conducting an orchestra?" 

There were times he could really be dense. "You don't think this is... a little... weird?" 

"What is?" 

"Me. Inside your apartment." I couldn't have been any clearer. 

But I was getting the squinty eyes. "You've been in my apartment like a thousand times before." 

That was true but I hadn't been here since our kiss. I certainly had never been back after a dinner that had been as ... nice ... as the one we just had. It really was nice. We talked about work but we also talked about other things. Stupid things. The pennant race, which I'm actually pretending to have an interest in now because I know he loves to talk about it. I wowed him with some useless knowledge I had gained after doing research for an upcoming bill on farm subsidies. He made me laugh about some prank C.J. pulled on Will. 

It was nice. It was the kind of night that after you have you ask the person you're with if he wants to come back to your place or he asks if you want to go back to his - which he did - and I said yes. 

So here I was. "I should go." 

"Donna, stop being ridiculous and come inside." 

I wasn't being ridiculous. I was being cautious. I checked the hallway to see if anyone was watching. 

"No one is around," he told me. "And even if they were anyone who knows us knows you've been in my apartment a thousand times before." 

"You don't think they might suspect..." I made the gesture with my hand again. This time he grabbed it and yanked me inside. 

"Get in here." 

It was easier this way I thought. Now the decision was out of my hands. If this all went wrong, he had only himself to blame. 

He shut the door behind us and walked off to the kitchen. "You want a beer?" 

"Kay." 

I looked around and saw that the place hadn't really changed all that much since the kiss. Not that I had expected it to in a few weeks. It was just that I found myself looking at it differently. Like I was focusing more on the couch and the bedroom. 

He carried two open bottles with him and handed one to me. I took it and waited for him to sit first. He walked over to the couch sat heavily and sighed. 

Then he looked up at me. Me who was standing awkwardly in the center of the room with a beer in her hand. 

"Donna," he stared clearly somewhat frustrated. "What are you doing now?" 

"Standing." 

"I see that. Were you thinking of sitting?" 

Sitting. On the couch. Next to him. "You don't think that might be a little..." I was gesturing again and he was shaking his head. 

"Will you relax? You're acting like a school girl on her first date. I'm not going to pounce." 

Oh. That was somewhat disappointing. But it did make me feel silly. I walked over and sat next to him and companionably we sipped our beers. 

"But like I was saying before, even if I did it would be okay, because I talked to Leo and everything is cool." 

I turned toward him. "You talked to Leo? About us?" 

"Not us specifically, just sort of... vaguely." 

"Vaguely about us?" 

"A little about us, but not so much ... you know specifically." 

"Josh." 

"He said we wouldn't get fired," he finally admitted, which told me exactly how specifically vague he'd been. 

"Josh! I can't believe you said anything. What happened to keeping this just between us?" I thought about the sort of vague conversation I had with C.J. and winced. 

"The point is it doesn't matter." 

"It does matter. He's going to be looking at us funny now." I gasped with realization then lowered my voice fearing it was possible that his apartment might be bugged. "Did he sick Ryan on us on purpose?" 

"Yeah, but..." 

"Oh my gosh. He's spying on us. I'm being spied on. All those people who talk about government conspiracies... do I need to be worried now?" 

"You don't need to be worried about Leo. About the flying saucer stuff... maybe. There are things... never mind. The point is Leo was trying to..." This time he made a gesture with his hand only it so did not work. 

I glared, he smirked. "This is good news, Donna. I'm telling you Leo is fine with it." 

"So fine he sent in a spy." 

Josh shrugged that off. "That's just Leo. I told you about the one time he had me and Sam followed." 

Sam and his prostitute girl friend. I missed those days when I could make fun of Sam. Who knew in the grand scheme of things that he had done wrong and what I had done wrong, I would have come out as the more nefarious of the two. But I shook that off and concentrated on the important stuff. "Can we go back to fine and exactly how fine is ... fine?" 

Josh clarified. "Okay, maybe not fine. Just ... you know... not really mad. He was more worried about when we broke up then anything else, but I told him that wasn't going to be an issue because we've never had a problem working together." 

I looked at him and wondered if he had any idea what he'd just said. Then I realized who I was dealing with. I shook my head and lowered my beer on his coffee table. Then I saw he didn't have coasters so I picked it up. No point in leaving ring marks. 

"Josh you said when." 

"Huh?" 

"You said Leo was worried about when we broke up." I moved around to sit on the coffee table so I could face him, just so he understood why that was significant. "When we break up. As if it's a foregone conclusion." 

"I didn't mean...I just... said that... I didn't mean it." 

"Do you realize how often you let your subconscious do the talking for you? And do you realize that your subconscious is usually more trustworthy than you are?" 

He sighed and leaned back against the couch. "Why do I do that? Why do I just assume..." 

"Because you're afraid of commitment." I said patting his knee sympathetically. 

He winced. "That's so cliché." 

"Yes, but in most cases it's a lie and the person really just wants out of the relationship. In your case it happens to be true." 

"I don't want out of this," he said immediately. 

Which was good, but the problem with knowing someone as well as I knew Josh was knowing what "this" meant. He meant he didn't want to lose me and as long as he had some hold, regardless of what it was, that would work for him. It wouldn't for me. It was time he understood that. 

"Josh no one knows more about my history with relationships than you." 

"It's bad." 

Moving right along. "And no one knows your history with relationships better than me." 

"It's worse," he grimaced. 

"True. We can't do this." Again with the appropriate hand gesture. "If there is going to be a when." 

"Why?" 

"Why if when?" Okay he was going to need another hint. "Because ... when... we break up I won't stay." 

"Why?" 

His face was a picture in surprise and even pain as if he was missing me already. "Because..." Yeah, really nowhere to go with that. But I had to. He needed to know. "Because I'm not Amy. Because I can't compartmentalize my life like that. If I'm with you, then I'm with you. And if I'm not with you, then I wouldn't want to be with you anymore. Not as your assistant." 

Don't make me say it, I thought. Don't make me say because it would hurt too much. Please just this once read my face and know what I mean. 

Finally, he said, "Okay." 

I sighed with relief. I wasn't absolutely sure what the okay meant, but he wasn't asking why so I thought that was a good sign. Or a bad one depending on how you looked at it. 

"Now," I said. "Do you want out of this?" I motioned between the two of us. 

He didn't need an explanation of what I meant. "Can we still back out?" 

"We're on the fringes but we haven't had sex. Yes, I think retreat is possible." 

"You were checking out my bedroom when you walked in." 

I did do that. Since there was nothing really to say, I just smiled. 

"I guess we're stuck then," he said and leaned forward trapping my knees between his even as his hands rested rather high up on my thighs. He looked at me, his eyes pinned on mine and I saw that he'd made his decision. 

Stuck. Stuck into giving it a shot with the one man in world I couldn't risk loosing. This was scary stuff. This was life changing moment stuff. But I felt it deep inside, that internal click or whatever happens when you make a decision and you know it's right. 

I was ready. And I think he was too. 

This called for another gesture. I lifted my hand and crooked my finger urging him closer. 

"Come here," I whispered. But he was already one step ahead of me and before I could finish his lips were on mine. 

And we kissed. 

The End for Now. 


End file.
